I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I believe the plural is “milves.”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet