I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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I want to meet the individual who made this
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“our sushi is very fresh”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?