Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

dude it’s called proctologist

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”