Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that