Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”