I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.