I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
This is the best one I’ve seen
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Cool shirt 🙂
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.