I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
As per my last nervous breakdown
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.