Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?