Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.