I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I think they could have phrased this better
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
no one ever comes back
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now