Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’