I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]