Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Twitter is an abusement park.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Sorry not sorry.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?