Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.