I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Room with a view.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
🍞🦆
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From