I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*