I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.![]()
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day