Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Friends that check up on you >

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.