I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Lmao
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me too
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
absolutely not
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The pasta is now
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
