“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
You Might Also Like
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other