“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
You Might Also Like
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
when dads have a rap battle
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
These work great until they don’t.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.