“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
How can I say no to this ?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France