@chelliet22

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

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@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@p_net

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

@tat2dsoccermom

My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.

@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

@CheryeDavis

Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.

@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.