“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
You Might Also Like
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.