Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us