Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

fair

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL