I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
