Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently