Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?