Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Sorry. Not sorry

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.