Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

My plans: 2020:

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“