I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Meow
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening