I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My patience has stretch marks.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.