I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You Might Also Like
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Free him
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on