I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.