I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.