Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.