I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.