I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other