I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.