I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me doing my best
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”