Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.