Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.