I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.