Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Howl 😭

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂