Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

this makes me so uncomfortable

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer