Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

🐴

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day