I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed