Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.