I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.