I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
getting groceries
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.