Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t catch a break

I’m crying im so happy for them

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car