Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.