I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.