I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.