Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

ㅤ

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Customize Your Wedding.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Whisper out to librarians!

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.