Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

my first dose meeting my second