Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*