Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?