I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.