Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Nothing.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster