Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Me, in DM rooms…

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

<—- homeless romantic