Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…