Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

You are what you delete.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone