I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
based
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
