Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

All right then, keep your secrets

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share