I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning: