My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Nothing to do, you say?