Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder