I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.