I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.