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superman landing like a plane on his belly
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
scared to check what name she chose
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
see next tweet for some translations
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
felt that
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.