Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?