I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
So inspired right now.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.